She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
