I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
