so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
