I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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