Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
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Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
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Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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