I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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