I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
