I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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