I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Two words: blizzard sex
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
