She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
