I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
