when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
