I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
