he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
