A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
