He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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