I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
