Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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