can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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