I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
