Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
