Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
are you so shy because you have an std?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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