I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
