My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
