I will die if light touches me.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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