So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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