i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
