I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
