I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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