im six kinds of drunk right now
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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