my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
