Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
