why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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