I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
