and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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