Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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