well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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