I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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