well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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