Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
