I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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