She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
