Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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