Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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