My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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