Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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