people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
