Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
worst night to have a conscience
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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