this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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