Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
