I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
