trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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