We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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