when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
