Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
