i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
