You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
