I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
