so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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