im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
